About empathy: What it is, why it's important, and when to draw the line

Empathy is the capacity to comprehend and share another person's emotions. It's a type of emotional intelligence that enables you to understand the feelings of others and handle their emotional makeup with care and skill. It is essential for strong leadership and one of the most important traits we can possess as human beings because it allows us to see things from other people's perspectives, which can be extremely beneficial in our personal and professional lives.

While we don't need to have experienced the same situation another person is experiencing, Brené Brown describes empathy as "a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing." Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is feeling bad for someone else. Empathy is feeling with another person and sharing in their emotional experience. It's putting yourself in other people's shoes, understanding how they're feeling, and seeing things from their perspective.

However, are there times when empathy can go too far? Are there boundaries to be aware of? I recently led a training session on emotional intelligence, and one of the participants brought up these questions. It got me thinking more about whether empathy - like any good thing that's overdone - can do more harm than good. Can we call something empathy if it has the potential to be overdone and, thus, do harm? Is there even such a thing as "too much empathy" in the first place?

Here's what I think:

Boundaries always matter.

This is no different when it comes to empathy. Empathy is about feeling with the other person, not feeling for them. It's important to remember that we can't - and shouldn't try to - fix everything for the other person. We need to respect their boundaries and allow them to do the work they need to do. Empathy is about supporting, not rescuing, and if we're not careful, we can easily cross boundaries and become overbearing or even intrusive.

Self-care shouldn't be left to the sidelines.

We also need to be aware of our own boundaries. Feeling with others can sometimes be emotionally and mentally draining when overdone without space for renewing our own emotional energy bank. If we're not careful, we can quickly find ourselves in a state of compassion fatigue. It's important to take care of ourselves and recharge our batteries regularly. The emotional energy needed to have empathy for others is not an unlimited resource, and we need to be mindful of that, so it's important to take care of ourselves as well.

Accountability, too, is important.

Demonstrating empathy should come with thoughtfulness and intentionality, and like everything else in life, it is important to find the right balance to prevent abuse. It's the balance of supporting people emotionally and holding them accountable. In a work or leadership context, this means understanding where people are, feeling their emotions with them but not using this understanding to excuse bad behavior or lack of responsibility. Having empathy doesn't mean that we lead our teams or projects without standards - it is not a free pass for everyone to do anything they want. It is giving space for understanding and supporting our team members while working with them to find a solution where needed. It is recognizing and identifying with the feelings of others and thoughtfully considering them when making decisions, rather than allowing them to control the decisions we make.

To wrap up:

Given the present state of the world, I don't think it is possible to have "too much empathy." Many would argue (and I agree) that the world is where it is today due to a lack of empathy in our societies. We can't be too wrapped up in our own lives to see what's happening around us and try to help. Empathy is essential if we want to make the world a better place.

However, in 1-1 relationships, there are a few things to be mindful of: our emotional energy - making sure we're not burning out, making sure we're giving our empathy purpose, so it is not abused, and also not using empathy as an excuse for bad behavior or lack of responsibility.

What do you think? Can empathy be overdone? Are there boundaries that should be considered when demonstrating empathy for others?